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EarthBoundmania? - by LiarXAgerate

EarthBoundmania?

The people I know went through several distinct phases when they became latter-day EarthBound fans. First there was denial--"No way, look at the graphics, this game's dumb!"--then there was acceptance, and then there was... indignance. I mean, how on earth could a game this good be so badly received commercially?

That's basically how the phase went, too. We--I certainly had this phase too--would blame it alternately on Nintendo, whose ad campaign was remarkably stupid; the public, who was too busy playing Battle Arena Toshinden and Twisted Metal on their Playstations; and stores, who would have to isolate the massive boxes from the rest of the Super Nintendo games.

But think about it, where would we be if EarthBound had swept America like, say, Pokémon did a few years later? Well, for one thing I wouldn't be involved with anything important on the site; while it's true that the articles section is almost entirely automated, I'm sure they could get someone whose actual website doesn't run on skills picked up in a middle school HTML summer class in 1998 if the fanbase was much bigger.

And those forums? Well, there've been times we moderators have had trouble keeping lamers in check even with things as they are! Imagine if the Starmen.Net forum's first six pages consisted of "HOW CAN I GET CHEAT CODES????" by NESS1 through NESS67772890386, with the next twelve all asking if we knew about how to find the Sweltering Snowman.

Don't even bother with #earthbound; guruzeth would probably have been taken into police custody after leaping through his monitor and murdering the five hundredth person to come in asking "A/S/L?". The constant load of newbies would physically melt DynastyNet's servers; as a result they would pursue legal action, which reidman--fantastically wealthy from merchandise sales and tribute--would settle out of court before clapping his hands so that the servant will inform Meeellla that they have dinner and the opera with the queen in an hour.

Okay, okay, so they'd be better off, provided there really was a Five Iron Frenzy opera; but come on, would it really be Starmen.Net if Funktastic Gameplay was held on MTV? If Luna had signed a huge pocky endorsement deal? if--and it really comes down to this--we didn't all know each other very well?

I didn't think so, either. But if reid and Meeellla really want to attend an opera I'm sure they only need sell their souls to Giovanni in exchange for use of his box. (They'll need a cat soul or something for the opera glasses, he's not in the business of charity.)


Other Submissions by LiarXAgerate

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LiarXAgerate Mother 3: Dead and Alive?
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LiarXAgerate A History Lesson from Mr. Nostalgia
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